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Religion, Theist Wackiness

Portrait of a Vagina Clown Car as a 40 Year Old Woman

The Vagina Clown Car Movement* is making the news again.  On NPR, there’s a story highlighting several people involved in the effort to turn otherwise normal vaginas into Clown Cars for Jesus.   Kelly Swanson is a 40 year old woman with seven children… and she wants more, despite the fact that they’re fending off poverty as it is.

If they didn’t raise their own food, Kelly Swanson says, they’d spend $1,000 a month on groceries for her gaggle of growing children, including 15-year-old Josiah and 13-year-old Elisha. But in listing their ages, Kelly gets Elisha’s age wrong.

“At least I remembered your name,” she says.

I don’t want to be overly reactionionary about this, but there’s something really disturbing to me about this.  I can’t quite put my finger on what, but if I figure it out, I’ll certainly let my readers know.  Parents forget their children’s ages sometimes, but I wonder how a child feels about being told she’s lucky her mom remembers her name…

Kelly and her husband, Jeff, didn’t want children.  However, as they continued to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into their particular version of insanity, they decided that an invisible man in the sky wanted them to have as many children as possible.  Their own wants and needs were not important.

So, like good little sheep, they popped out seven kids, and are trying to have more.  They live on less than fifty thousand dollars a year, and have had to start growing their own food and raising their own livestock to be able to avoid the poor house.

Oh… and at their church, the average family has 8.5 kids.  They’re trying to catch up.

Nancy Campbell, a prominent leader in the Vagina Clown Car Movement, puts things succinctly.  “The womb is such a powerful weapon; it’s a weapon against the enemy.”  Nancy has 35 grandchildren, and she wishes she had more.  She and her husband only had six children, and she feels ashamed for having so few clowns pop out of her vagina.  “I think, help! Imagine if we had had more of these children!” Campbell says, adding, “My greatest impact is through my children. The more children I have, the more ability I have to impact the world for God.”

The story goes on to speak of another couple who decided to stop having children when they were twenty three and were already parents of four.  The man had a vasectomy, but came to regret his decision to control his own fertility.  Thanks to a ministry that was formed specifically to find doctors to provide cheap vasectomy reversals, this family is now free to breed until they can’t breed anymore — and that’s exactly what they intend to do.

One of the biggest problems I’m having in trying to address the Vagina Clown Car Movement is that I can’t really think of anything to say.  It is mind boggling to me that anyone could look at this and see anything but the most mind-numbingly selfish and absurdly misguided movement ever.  Apparently, though, there are still people out there who would defend the rights of people to subject the world to not only their own stupidity being multiplied exponentially through the generations, but also to actively promote an ecological disaster.

What else can we say?  The only responsible thing is to vehemently oppose this movement in every way we can think of.  They’re fucking up my planet, and they’re doing it on purpose.   These people are deserving of scorn, ridicule, and public embarrassment for their stupidity.  I do not believe that everyone deserves respect, so if you do, we’ll just have to disagree.  Respect, in my book, is earned, and these people have not earned respect.  In the real world, we are judged by our actions, and their actions are attrociously irresponsible, ignorant and wrong-headed.

I don’t know how else to say how incredibly wrong this is, and how incredibly angry it makes me.

* Technically, it’s called the Quiverfull Movement, but I refuse to dignify it with a respectful name.



15 thoughts on “Portrait of a Vagina Clown Car as a 40 Year Old Woman

  1. Maybe what disturbs you is the mother basically admitting that she doesn’t parent, she breeds. If you have this many kids you cannot devote the time and energy needed to intricately understanding the strengths and weaknesses of each child and helping the child figure out how to deal with these aspects of their personality. Child rearing requires an enormous amount of time and energy as you are guiding and nurturing the child through their complex psychology. Breeding is just popping them out and telling them to sink or swim.

    I’m sure these people do love their offspring, but they are motivated by desires linked to their dogma not to child welfare.

    Posted by annie_t | March 26, 2009, 4:35 pm
  2. Don’t read this book unless you want an early stroke, then:

    Sharing the scary,

    Posted by G Felis | March 26, 2009, 5:57 pm
  3. G Felis: “Don’t read this book unless you want an early stroke, then:

    Sharing the scary,”


    Posted by Kevin R Brown | March 26, 2009, 8:16 pm
  4. The VCCM (Vagina Clown Car Movement) makes me think of human puppy mills… only in puppy mills, the puppies are the ones that end up in nice homes while the parents live in miserable conditions. With the VCCM, it’s the other way around.

    …and that’s really, really sad.

    Posted by Dan Gilbert | March 26, 2009, 9:20 pm
  5. I think what really creeps me out about the NPR article is that this woman’s reasoning is that the “the womb is a weapon.” It’s only a short leap from that to say the penis is a weapon as well. And that leads to all kinds of disgusting possibilities (no doubt condoned by god almighty.)

    Posted by Leticia Cook | March 26, 2009, 10:49 pm
  6. I hadn’t thought of that, Leticia. Then again, the Bible does condone rape, especially when they’re virgins from a town where you’ve just killed all the men. You may be onto something.

    Posted by hambydammit | March 26, 2009, 11:00 pm
  7. Exactly. Why don’t they teach that in Sunday school?

    Christians do seem think that they’re at war with the world, and rape has been used widely as a war tactic. Add in that female reproductive organs are apparently weapons and the good christian men can’t be far behind.

    The whole concept of trying to out-breed the competition is pretty sickening.

    Posted by Leticia Cook | March 26, 2009, 11:53 pm
  8. Well I hope your filter allows cursing, because my only response to this is :
    Holy Fuck. No seriously. Eeww.

    A weapon? Against “which” enemy? Please explain this to me in small words.

    Posted by April | March 27, 2009, 5:13 am
  9. At this point, tonstant weader fwowed up.

    With all this talk of using reproductive organs as weapons, and a war against the forces of Satan (who is my motor), and fatwah envy, how long will it be until a group of Christians goes all Norman Bates on us?

    Posted by nigelTheBold | March 27, 2009, 10:25 am
  10. “We just started thinking…”

    Um, yeah. Not so much. But it would be lovely if you did.

    Here’s why this whole thing disturbs me, in a nutshell: Children are not status symbols.

    I could elaborate, but I’m too pissed off.


    Posted by valentinewolfe | March 27, 2009, 4:38 pm
  11. For me the thought of even ONE child brings chills to my spine and makes my head spin.

    To regard having children as building god an army, makes me want to shout “IF HE/IT WANTED AN ARMY HE/IT WOULD IMPREGNATE YOU” uggggh!

    I guess the only thing somewhat ‘ok’ with this is that in taking a “breeding or pop ’em out as fast as you can” stance on having kids, the world can be sure that a large percent of the offspring will grow to despise their sperm donor and incubator and become the next generation of atheist/free-thinkers.

    Posted by Renee Obsidianwords | March 28, 2009, 7:38 am
  12. I was brought up in a very similar-thinking group of fundamentalists (from which I recovered from and converted to Buddhism long ago).

    The level of education and lack of being informed of world views is absolutely stunning in my experience. These are not STUPID people, really, many of them are “college educated”, and I put these words in quotes because these are just extensions of Sunday school and in my opinion are NOT actual colleges. No, they are just lemmings drinking the evangelical Koolaid.

    But these are the same schools of thought that lead them to picket Planned Parenthoods, and the most extreme among them to kill women’s healthcare providers trying to tell others what they can and can’t do with their bodies, but just try and educate them with the reasons NOT to have a litter of kids and they’ll scream that you violated their rights.

    Like in any case, ANY case, when dealing with these evangelical lemmings the level of hypocrisy in their dogma is STAGGERING!

    A friend of mine and I were having a conversation a while back and we concluded that mostly the lower-end of the gene pool are the ones that are having the most babies, thus, we also concluded, the reason for so many Walmart’s popping-up.

    Posted by Jeff | June 14, 2009, 12:41 pm
  13. I am a christian and I think these women are completely nuts! Sad to say, but from my own perosnal experience…there are some real nut jobs in the church! Zealots with some pretty far-out ideas, spirital ideations, emotional thrill seekers, emotional instigators, real religious showmen and just enough fools and suckers to follow them~I really beleive that the Jesus I love looks down on a lot of folks and just shakes his head…there are plenty of lost, weak-minded and impressionable, simple-minded folk in the church and plenty more who admit behind closed doors how whacky some of their brothers and sisters are. Go to church, but go with your eyes wide open and your brain in gear…if you feel weirded out…leave…God is not there! You will know when you find him there. There is peace, and peace of mind…God’s spirit will speak to you if you truly want to listen…

    Posted by Lisa | August 17, 2009, 7:27 pm


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