What was Jesus… err… God… to do now? For the last seventy trillion years, he’d been thinking. Thinking. Thinking. There wasn’t really much else to do. He hadn’t invented time and space yet, so it didn’t feel like it had been all that long, but it had. And the question that had been burning in his mind for at least 69.475 trillion years was this:
“After I piss off the religious leadership of my enslaved chosen people and get myself killed at the hands of a minor Roman bureaucrat, how will I then inspire and command the love and worship of billions of humans who will inhabit the earth for the next two thousand years?”
The answer was simple and obvious. Here’s what he did.
For three days, Jesus lay dead in the cave. Well, he wasn’t really dead since God can’t die. He doesn’t have a heart or lungs or anything like that, and you have to have something living to be able to die. But the part of him that was temporarily very much like a human wasn’t alive. It was just laying there, but not decomposing, because that would be gross. Worms and flesh eating bacteria don’t eat God.
After three days, Jesus decided he was tired of being dead so he got up and left. On his way out, he showed himself to a hooker with a foot fetish. This was the highlight of her morning, and she ran into town to tell everybody that she’d just been with Jesus. Several of the townsfolk thought it was very odd that she was trying to wring a shekel out of a dead guy, but they figured as long as she didn’t start bringing corpses to the Monday afternoon massage session, things would be ok.
For several days, Jesus went about the land appearing and disappearing, and in the process got a good poke in the side from a guy who had a hard time believing in walking stiffs. To reward the doubter for his skepticism, Jesus made sure his book didn’t get published.
When he was done with his little lark about town, Jesus got together with a couple of his best friends from back in the Goat Fetish Days, had a chat on top of a hill, and then used god-magic to levitate up into the sky. It was a very neat trick, and gave a lot of people the idea that heaven was in the sky, but it’s not. Once you get out of the earth’s atmosphere, it’s not very heavenly at all.
And that’s the story of how God did the most amazing and loving thing in the history of the universe. But that’s not the end of the Easter story. Actually, there’s much more. Here’s what happened.
Jesus knew that killing goats and bulls would get to be really troublesome when the earth’s population grew to six billion. There’s just no way to dispose of that much dead meat in a sanitary way, especially when Indians won’t eat cow meat. (One has to wonder why God let them get so caught up in the whole cow worship thing if he was going to need people to eat so many burgers, but God’s ways are not our ways, and it isn’t good to try to reason these things out.)
Since he knew that his blood fetish days were numbered, God had already worked out a plan. The whole reason he paraded around as a human was so that he could take the place of a billion billion farm animals. Since he made the rules in the first place, it was no big deal for him to make the following proclamation:
“I sacrificed myself to myself in order that you don’t have to sacrifice goats and bulls to me anymore. I don’t want anymore dead animals on my front steps. Understand?”
But that was not the full extent of “The Most Loving and Wonderful Thing Anyone Has Ever Done.” No, not indeed. We should think God to be quite dull if that had been the only thing. God wanted everyone who ever lived to know what he had done, and to believe he had done it. After all, if a trillion humans never heard about The Most Loving and Wonderful Thing Anyone Has Ever Done, what was the point in doing it in the first place?
So God waited thirty or so years and then told a fledgling scribe to write down the story of his life. Then he waited another couple of decades and told a couple more beat writers to copy that book, but to add some important details that had been left out. Then, he found a government official and told him to write down all the stuff about how churches ought to be run, and how women ought not say very much in church.
There wasn’t much in the way of printing presses in those days, and UPS wasn’t shipping worldwide. God wasn’t about to break the Prime Directive and introduce such dangerous technology to the Romulans… err… Romans. Instead, he decided that he would let things simmer for three hundred years. Better to spread the word of his deeds orally. After all, that’s the best way to make sure things don’t get muddled.
And that’s exactly what his followers did. It worked like a charm. Within a thousand years, most of Europe had heard all about it. It’s always best to take one’s time when doing something this important. And really, there wasn’t much of a rush. Those damnable Asians hadn’t been sacrificing bulls to him at all, and there weren’t even boats good enough to get to the Aztecs to tell them they ought to be sacrificing bulls instead of enemy warriors. All of those people could wait.
Johannes Gutenberg finally figured out how to print lots of copies of the same book about four hundred years later. That was all God had been waiting for. Well… that and the internet, but that would come much later. Only six hundred years have passed since then, and there’s only one major continent where most people haven’t got Bibles in all the hotel rooms.
The Magic of Faith
As you’ve probably already gathered, God is very fond of using god-magic. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. If he didn’t use god-magic, and just obeyed the laws he’d created, he wouldn’t be much of a god, would he? Well, if that makes sense to you, then this is where things really start to get good.
God wanted everyone on the whole planet to hear about what he’d done, and believe that he’d done it. But it was also very important to him that people also believe in his god-magic. Even more important, he didn’t want anybody to be forced into believing. So he made sure there were lots of chances for people not to believe.
To start with, he planted lots of rocks that look like animals. He planted them all over the world. Some of them he put in mountains, and some in riverbeds. He knew that these rocks would fool the smartest people in the world into thinking the earth was really billions and billions of years old.
Next, he made a very, very small thing called DNA and put it in every living thing on the planet. He also put little atomic clocks in the DNA and set them wrong so that it would look very much like DNA was older than the earth. What a clever trick!
Finally… and this is the best trick of all… he stopped doing magic except for very rare circumstances when there would be no way for anybody to prove it.
Now, everything was in place. God told all of his followers to make very tall steeples and put them on top of churches, and to tell everyone the good news: “Believe that God sacrificed himself to himself so that you don’t have to leave dead bulls on our doorsteps! If you do this, you will go to a happy place when you die. If you don’t, you’ll experience the love of the most merciful and loving being in the universe while roasting on a spit in the most horrific torture chamber ever invented… FOREVER!”
The Chosen People
God had a special plan in mind for his chosen people that he loved more than anyone else on earth. First, he took away their country and didn’t give it back to them for almost two thousand years. Second, he made sure that everyone on earth hated them more than anyone else, so much so that one of God’s special servants, Adolph Hitler, did them the favor of killing at least six million of them.
He also made sure that a whole new religion would start up in the same part of the world, and that its followers would hate the Jews so much that they would blow themselves up anytime they could take a few Jews with them. But God knew that there would be a country called America, and that a protector would emerge from the ranks of the Christians to protect the chosen people. That man was John Ashcroft, and even to this day, he works to demonstrate the love of God for his chosen people by trying to start World War III.
Bunnies and Eggs
Since God is very fond of holidays, he also told his followers: “Celebrate my wonderful deeds with colorful eggs and bunnies. Give chocolate to the children, and warn them against believing in animal shaped rocks. That way, your children won’t spend eighty trillion years in a torture chamber with worms made of fire crawling in and out of their eyesockets!”
Oh, and he said one other thing, too. He had omitted this from his holy book, but it was ok because it wouldn’t be important until the French invented Mardi Gras in Mobile, Alabama. Why did the Jews need to know about Mobile? (God is always thinking ahead.) Anyway, God said, “Also, in addition to celebrating with bunnies and eggs, I want you to call the forty days before my holiday ‘Lent.’ During Lent, I want you to give up something you like so that you will remember how much I love you. Also, it’s ok for you to have a big naked orgy the day before Lent.”
And that is the story of how God did The Most Loving and Wonderful Thing That Anyone Has Ever Done in the History of the Universe. Ever. Today, we have the privilege of believing that God did all of that stuff for us so that we wouldn’t have to kill bulls. And believe me, if you’ve never killed a bull before, it’s remarkably difficult. Without proper equipment, it’s almost impossible. I mean, have you never seen a bull fight? You can stick those damn things with dozens of spears and it just makes them mad.
So when you’re breaking out the Paas Easter Egg kit this Easter, remember to say a magic chant to Jesus and thank him for letting you color eggs instead of killing bulls. Or goats. And remember to tell your children how much God loves them, because if you don’t, they will BURN IN HELL FOR A BILLION BILLION YEARS AND WON’T YOU BE SORRY THEN!!!!!