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Dating Mating Sex and Reproduction

When Game Becomes Love

All the talk of “Game” and “Pickup Artistry” has me a little down.  I feel like the foundation of Game is misunderstood.  A lot of people immediately turn off when they hear that someone practices Game.  Girls automatically think he’s just sampling all the goods at the local Pump n’ Dump Diner.  Nearly everybody thinks of him as a “gimmick.”  There’s a general consensus that Game is confined to bars and clubs, and that all it’s good for is casual sex.

Game Used for Casual Sex

It’s definitely true that there are Pump n’ Dump Gamers out there, and that a lot of them are just interested in random tail.  But I want to take two steps back from that and look at the foundation of Game, which is essentially just applied psychology.  Women are evolutionarily programmed to get tingly in the special spot when certain conditions are met.  Game is a pop-psych attempt to generalize these conditions and teach men how to manipulate the environment such that women get that tingly feeling.  And generally it works because it’s a good approximation of real psychology in a lot of ways.

But let’s take “Game” out of it for just a moment.  Let’s just imagine a guy who behaves in a way that makes lots of women want him.  We don’t really even have to describe what he does or why he does it.  This guy just walks through life wearing a Vagina Magnet Suit.  Now, suppose that our man finds a woman he loves who also loves him back.   The two of them do the courtship dance, consummate their love, and decide to continue consummating it for the foreseeable future.

Question:  Now that our man has chosen from the dozens of women who’d like to ride the pony, how should he behave towards her?  Should he continue to walk through life with the same Vagina Magnet Suit he wore, or should he go into the closet and pull out the Whatever Makes You Happy Dear Suit?

Game Used to Keep the A-List Girl

I submit that he should continue wearing the Vagina Magnet Suit. Or, to put it in plain language, he should continue behaving the way he behaved when she fell in love with him.  Women generally don’t fall in love with athletic figures or blue eyes.  They fall in love with senses of humor, boldness, aggressiveness, confidence, dependability, and a host of other patterns of behavior.  They don’t get wet looking at random guys with erect penises.  They get wet when a particular guy behaves in a way that turns them on.  Women love that feeling.  They love being turned on.  They want it on a regular basis.

Let me backtrack for a minute.  I wrote a post a while ago about the definition of love.  In it, I described love as a process of evolving feelings and behaviors.  This is the crucial point.  Long term love is best described as a decision to behave lovingly for the foreseeable future. When we love someone, we commit to making their wants and needs part of our wants and needs.  We give them what we know they want.

Ok… enough digression.  We have all the puzzle pieces we need to re-examine Game in the context of relationships.  Let’s redefine Game as a basic set of skills.  Men with Game have the ability to consciously behave in a way that makes women feel sexually attracted to them.  The behaviors themselves don’t really matter.  What matters is how they make women feel.

Now, let’s just state it simply:  If a man with Game falls in love with a girl who succumbed to his Game, it is a loving decision to continue to Game her so that she continues to feel sexually attracted to him. Many men, myself included, sometimes fall victim to the blame game when it comes to waning passion in a relationship.  We prattle on and on about how it’s a woman’s responsibility to put out once she’s committed to a long term relationship.  Sex is how women can best display love to men.

There’s certainly truth to this.  Sex is to men as flowers, candy, romance, back rubs, and hours of nodding politely while listening to the day’s problems are to women.  But there’s another fundamental relationship truth:  Sex is better for everybody when the woman wants to do it as opposed to when she does it out of obligation.  A man who continues to Game his girl is doing both of them a favor.  He’s making it easier for her to do what he wants.

So what of all the internet chatter:  “If a man learns Game and goes out and practices it, is he really being himself, or is he pretending to be someone else?”  Honestly… what a bunch of pony pucks!  Let’s just ask it another way.  Suppose a guy has no game.  If he plods through life and finds a girl who’s reasonably good looking, and has a decent enough sex drive, and behaves well enough towards him that he figures he’s done as well as he can do, is he being himself?  Yep.  Now, suppose the same guy learns Game, gets a very good looking girl with a high sex drive, and figures she’s the best he can do.  Does he suddenly become someone else if he continues to behave in ways that turn her on?

How about if we just call it what it is.  If you’re asking the question, you’re trying to find a way to be lazy and still get everything you want. No, you’re not “becoming someone else” by continuing to practice game as part of a loving relationship.  You’re doing the same thing you’re asking of your girl — putting out regularly.  Forget this nonsense of your “true identity.”  Just make a new neural connection.  “Putting Out” is a gender specific term.  For girls, it means having sex.  For guys, it means Gaming your girl so that she wants to have sex.  Stop thinking of Game as some sort of external system of getting casual sex.  Think of it as behaving intelligently in a way that your girl likes.  Stop thinking of your “true self” and think of it like you would anything else — If I behave this way, I get that thing.  Do I want that thing enough to behave in this way?  If so, then think of “Gaming” as part of your contribution to a loving relationship.  It’s not dishonest or manipulative.  It’s just giving her what she wants and getting what you want.  It’s ok.  I promise.



12 thoughts on “When Game Becomes Love

  1. Game does have it’s dark side, but it really does have a light side as well.

    Game can save some marriages and keep families intact. Average marriages can become happy ones. A few $16 books can save a man six figures in divorce and child support payments.

    Game is simply understanding women and giving them what they need from a man.

    Posted by Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life | July 14, 2010, 5:40 pm
  2. Ah, great post. I have two quibbles:
    1. I’ve always thought of Lloyd Dobler, who is ADORABLE, as a sweet, pliable male. He seems to me to be all lover and no PUA. In fact, there’s a great scene at the Gas n’ Sip where his friends are all pretending to be real hardasses and tease him about being whipped. And he says, basically, “If you guys have such tight game, why are you all sitting here together on a Saturday night?”
    2. I think the congruency issue is real for some guys. You and Athol are natural alphas, so your learning Game is really fine-tuning. For a guy who is battling shyness, or is a lower T male, the gap between what comes naturally and gaming a girl is much wider. I’m a proponent of Game, as you know, so I’m not saying it cannot or should not be done. But when some of these young guys feel overwhelmed, I don’t think they’re being lazy. I think it’s like asking the average girl to be Miss America.

    Posted by Susan Walsh | July 14, 2010, 9:43 pm
  3. Actually I’m far more a natural beta. I became give uncharacteristically alpha towards Jennifer pre-marriage and somewhat ebbed back to betaism. I’ve only consciously picked up the alpha trait properly in the last five years.

    Posted by Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life | July 14, 2010, 10:06 pm
  4. “quite” not “give”… bizarre typo lol

    Posted by Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life | July 14, 2010, 10:07 pm
  5. Heh. I think Athol and I are probably somewhat similar in being closet betas. The reality is that I’m a very lazy man, and Beta is easier than Alpha. Given my druthers, I tend to take the alpha position when it’s easy and lay back when it would be a lot of work. It’s work for me to be the alpha when there are other alphas or when it’s a hostile crowd. Basically, I’m proof that alpha can be learned. (Actually, I think I wrote on your site that if you gave me $20 and two hours I could get a date for Saturday. That’s true, but it’s also true that I don’t usually do it. I have to work myself up to putting on the alpha face and doing all the observation and thinking necessary for that kind of game.)

    Lloyd Dobbler had all sorts of alpha game in beta guise. He stumbled over his words and talked too much, but when he wanted something, he went right for it. But he had what a lot of gamers call “inner game.” He knew what he was worth, and knew that he was good enough for the A-List girl. As you know, that’s a lot of what alpha is made of. Believing in your worth and acting on it.

    Posted by hambydammit | July 15, 2010, 1:58 am
  6. If you were Diane Cort, would you honestly fall for Lloyd?”


    Lloyd Dobler is like the icon of “Betappeal”. His boombox routine set a new romantic high (and beta low) for men everywhere! He did everything anti-game. He had major one-itis. He fumbled over his words. He *never* negged her.

    But Ham is right. Lloyd was passionate about it, even though he knew the odds were against him. And *that* is what does it for me. The single-minded passion.

    Posted by Aldonza | July 15, 2010, 5:16 pm
  7. The thing I think we may be confusing is Alpha with Player. You can be an alpha and get one-itis. Happens all the time. Alpha players tend never to let a girl get under their skin, and that’s a tactic… but it’s not alpha. It’s player.

    Lloyd seems a little like me in a way. He sat back and waited until something was important enough to go after, and then he leapt to the center stage of her existence and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Pretty assertive, actually. And even though he was voicing uncertainty, it takes a lot of confidence to go up to the A-list girl and basically say, “I’m a flawed person without much direction, but we belong together, and I’m going to do my level best to make that happen.” Or something like that, anyway.

    Posted by hambydammit | July 15, 2010, 6:16 pm
  8. “I’m a flawed person without much direction, but we belong together, and I’m going to do my level best to make that happen.”


    And I do see what you’re saying. Lloyd was like a stealth alpha. He wasn’t a BMOC and Diane didn’t even know who he was, but in his element, he was definitely the most dominant guy in the room. And she definitely picked up on that and responded.

    But I still say he had a heaping dose of betappeal too. But isn’t that what we’ve been saying all along? Smart women want both.

    Posted by Aldonza | July 15, 2010, 8:12 pm
  9. I agree about Lloyd’s inner game. In fact, he probably had an inflated sense of his worth. When they fly over to her fellowship together, I can’t help but have a sinking feeling that it can’t last because he has nothing going on, really. Although I do love his conviction when he tells her father what he doesn’t want to do.

    I think Aldonza nails it – LD had both. Enormous beta appeal, plus the confidence to go all in. I think that might be the perfect male.

    Posted by Susan Walsh | July 16, 2010, 11:39 am
  10. And that’s why it’s such a great movie! Both Lloyd and Diane represent the perfect mate with the best of both worlds. We haven’t even talked about Diane, but she’s very pretty, very smart, willing to do things on her own but thankful to have support… She loves her family but will do the right thing when they screw up. She is kind to old people. She gives in to her sex drive. She has fears but is willing to overcome them if you’ll just hold her hand.

    I could go on. But you get the point. What a woman, right?

    Posted by hambydammit | July 16, 2010, 12:37 pm
  11. Indeed. Interesting too that the character was chaste. Her purity and intellect made her even more attractive to Lloyd. It’s like he found the girl worth having one-itis for.

    Posted by Susan Walsh | July 16, 2010, 12:46 pm
  12. Romance! In the man-o-sphere! Someone should call the troll-cops! 🙂

    Posted by vasafaxa | July 19, 2010, 3:20 pm

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