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Dating Mating Sex and Reproduction

Relationship Tip: Touch Him on the Penis

Athol Kay, over at Married Man Sex Life, linked to this video recently, and I just couldn’t resist passing it on.  It’s really funny to me how successful Cosmo and other women’s magazines have been even though at least 75% of their sex advice is total crap.  It’s a great example of how to use human irrationality to sell a product.  (Hint:  They’re giving you secrets on how to make women happy with their sex lives, not men.)

There are only a few “secrets” to making a man happy in bed.  Do these things consistently and 90% of men will be happy.  If you want to go beyond and light lots of candles, design “lovemaking coupons,” or throw rose petals all over the bed, knock yourself out.  But realize that most of that stuff is for the woman, not the man.

So without further ado, here’s everything you ever need to know about keeping men happy:

  • Have sex.  A lot. Men experience love through sex.  Every time you have sex with your man, you’re telling him that you love him.  Yes, he likes to hear it, too, and you should say it from time to time.  But 8 out of 10 men would give up ever hearing it again if they got all the sex they wanted.  (I just made that statistic up, but it’s true.)
  • Touch him on the penis. Let him know that you desire him.  Make him feel like you just can’t keep your hands off of him.
  • Blow Jobs.  Enough said.
  • Kegels.  If there’s one secret that really is a secret, this is probably it.  Kegel exercises make sex better for the man and the woman.  Do them as often as you can.  Make them part of your workout.  It’s not an exaggeration.  They make a huge difference in how it feels for a guy.
  • Stay fit and attractive.  It’s not politically correct, and it offends feminists, but them’s the breaks, as they say.  Men enjoy sex with attractive women more than sex with unattractive women.  Work out.  Wear sexy clothes.  (You don’t have to dress like a slut.  But dressing attractively makes men happy.)  No, you don’t have to look like Jessica Alba, but you should make your body the best it can be.  You’ll feel better.  He’ll be happier.

That’s it, really.  These things are a baseline for a man’s happy sex life.  You don’t need to buy Cosmo anymore.

Ok, now for the disclaimers.  I’m giving you the recipe for precisely one thing:  Keeping your man happy with his sex life.  If you love your man and want him to have a happy sex life, this is how you do it.  If you choose to do less than these things, you should realize that you’re making a conscious choice to give him less than what he wants to be as happy as he could be.  (He may lie to you and say it’s ok if you slack on one or more of these things.  He’s doing it because he loves you and is trying to make sacrifices to stay with you.)

Relationships are exchanges of goods and services.  It’s not romantic to think of it this way, but it’s true.  It may sound to some readers as if I’m being patriarchal by suggesting that women should do these things.  On the contrary.  I’m giving information and the reader is making the choice.  Nobody has to do anything at all.  But if you’re entering a relationship, or trying to rekindle an existing one, you need to know what goods and services you have to offer in exchange for what you want.

There are a lot of good reasons for making your man happy with his sex life.

  • Fidelity.  Men who are unhappy with their sex lives are looking for alternatives.  They may not admit it to themselves, but they’re keeping their eye open for something better.  It’s simple economics — if you’re giving him everything he wants sexually, then his motivation to stray becomes very small.  It’s unreasonable to say that men should stay faithful and be unhappy with their sex lives.  It’s a lie given to us by our Christian heritage and its Bronze Age model of morality.
  • Reciprocity.  Most men would sell their soul if they were guaranteed great sex for the rest of their lives.  Nobody’s suggesting that you become a sex toy and get nothing in return.  If you are giving your man everything he wants in bed, it’s reasonable for you to expect him to give you everything you want out of bed.  (Yes, I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but it’s easier to say it this way than to be overly precise and pedantic.)  You should be getting random presents, foot rubs, vacation getaways, and so forth.  He should be doing everything he can to make you happy.  If he’s not, trust me — there’s someone out there who will.  No, you should not use sex as a weapon and withhold every time he makes you unhappy.  But you should be aware that women as good as you are few and far between.  Use your power to snag a man worthy of what you offer.
  • Health/Happiness.  Sex is very good for you.  People who have lots of sex are happier, healthier, and live longer than those who don’t.  If you maintain a vigorous sex life, not only will you be keeping your man faithful and willing to work for your happiness, you’ll be creating your own happiness as well.  Yes, it’s sometimes hard to have sex when you’re tired and cranky, but think about it — that’s because your body is not flooded with dopamine and other chemicals which are released during sex.  Have sex, get the flood, feel better.

This sort of sex advice entry may seem a bit off-topic for my blog, but it’s actually right in the wheel-house.  Sexuality is hijacked and distorted by religion, especially Christianity.  Our culture has not given us the kind of straight-forward advice we need to look at ourselves and our relationships in realistic ways.  At its heart, a marriage or committed relationship is a sexual contract.  Without sex, we call ourselves “good friends.”  So there’s every good reason to try to make the sex as good as it can be.

Occasionally, I hear women say things like, “I don’t want this relationship to be based primarily on sex.”  But that’s not really what the statement means.  Most of the time, it means “I don’t want to only get sex out of this relationship.”  That’s fine.  Everyone should try to get more than sex out of a relationship, but the answer isn’t to have less sex or make the man less happy with what he’s getting.  The answer is to find a relationship where you have great sex and get the other things you want.  Of course, that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms — how to get a man to give you what you want in exchange for the sex he wants.  But that will have to wait for another entry.



3 thoughts on “Relationship Tip: Touch Him on the Penis

  1. Thanks for the link love. It’s almost as good as a ….

    Posted by Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life | August 31, 2010, 6:32 pm
  2. Athol lies…a blog link isn’t even in the same universe….unless she’s been doing it wrong.

    Posted by Aldonza | September 3, 2010, 10:28 am
  3. My only comment about the article is how you muddied the message of “Let him know that you desire him. Make him feel like you just can’t keep your hands off of him.” In my experience, this single thing trumps almost everything else combined, especially if he believes you’re doing all those other things *because* you can’t keep your hands off him.

    Slut = “can’t keep her hands off anybody.”
    Keeper = “can’t keep her hands off me.”

    Posted by Aldonza | September 3, 2010, 10:32 am

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