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Christianity, Theist Wackiness

Satanism on the Rise, says Vatican

See if you can follow this…

Satanism is on the rise, mainly due to the internet.

We can tell it’s on the rise because lots of priests had sex with boys.  And girls.

And nuns.


You should get an exorcist.

Makes sense, right?

No, seriously.  This is the Church’s own line of thought.  Here it is without the snark:

Exorcism is the subject of a six-day conference being held this week at the Regina Apostolorum Pontifical University in Rome, which is under the Vatican’s authority.

The object of seminars was to scrutinise the phenomenon of Satanism with “seriousness and scientific rigour”, avoiding a “superficial or sensational approach”, he said.

Ok… I can’t do it without snark.  How can you?  “Scientific Rigour?”  Really?

The Vatican’s chief exorcist claimed last year that the Devil lurked in the Vatican, the very heart of the Catholic Church… He claimed that the sex abuse scandals which have engulfed the Church in the US, Ireland, Germany and other countries, were proof that the anti-Christ was waging a war against the Holy See.

Uh huh.  The devil made you do it.  And the dog ate my homework.

Father Gabriele Amorth said people who are possessed by Satan vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron, scream, dribble and slobber, utter blasphemies and have to be physically restrained.

Oh, for Pete’s sake!  You’re not even trying anymore!  Why would anyone put a dime in your coffers?  I can’t figure it out for the life of me.

And somehow, there are still people buying it.  Religion’s a bad drug, man.



3 thoughts on “Satanism on the Rise, says Vatican

  1. Oh noes! Look! It’s a demon, and the devil, and all kinds of nasty things that only the Catholic church can combat. You’d best hurry up and join, or the devil will get you too!

    Throwing up shards of glass is more painful than it sounds.

    Posted by nigelTheBold | April 4, 2011, 11:16 am
  2. The Church seems remarkably literal-minded about Satanism. Are there any “Satanists” who are serious about calling themselves that? Seems to me that that calling themselves that is a form of trolling.

    Posted by Loren Petrich | April 6, 2011, 12:18 pm
  3. Loren, yes, there are real satanists. Curiously, a lot of them are atheists. They don’t view satan as a real entity, but they look at the god of the Bible, see him as a real son-of-a-bitch, and recognize that in the story of God vs. Satan, Satan was the morally good character. So they adopt a philosophy opposed to the Christian god.

    There aren’t many of them… because it’s pretty silly… and goth is on the way out… but they’re there.

    There is a very, very, very small number of “real satanists” who believe in an actual satan. But then, there is a very, very, very small number of people in the world who get sexual pleasure from having limbs amputated. (I’m not making that up.)

    Posted by hambydammit | April 6, 2011, 3:03 pm

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