As of today, the state of Illinois is granting civil unions to same-sex couples. As of this afternoon, several gay couples have officially tied the knot, and the effects have been devastating. Over eleven thousand heterosexual marriages have hit the rocks in just a matter of hours. Divorce lawyers have been swamped, and are expected to work through the night filing motions. Dirk Hetland, a welder from Champagne, explained it this way: “Well, I looked at the paper, and saw that gays can get married now, and suddenly, I figured the only thing left was for me to fuck my dog. So I did. Now, I can’t even look at my wife anymore. It’s over, and it’s all those damn gays’ fault.”
Many have chosen to flee. Edna and Joseph Abernathy, married fifty two years in May, were spotted by hundreds of motorists as they hurriedly hobbled across the Clark Bridge, each clutching a cross in one hand and a cane in the other. Said Edna, “We’re trying to get to St. Louis before the gay rips our marriage apart!”
For those who have decided to stay, there is hope. Reverend Josiah Paddington, of the First Street Holiness Church in Alton, suggests the following for married couples: “Our church is offering a variety of holy charms designed to repel the gay. For men, we have Holy Cock Rings, with a figure of both Jesus and Paul, whose combined power will ensure erections only for women. For women, we have specially designed earplugs which filter out any music by The Indigo Girls or Dusty Springfield.”
Other authorities have suggested killing a sacrificial goat and painting Christian doorways with the blood. This has the double benefit of preventing bestiality by all the formerly straight men who are now struggling not to get hard-ons every time they look at a farm animal.
In any case, it is clear that Illinois is a lost cause, and will soon be little more than a hotbed of homosexual orgies and satanic child sacrifice. Former Senator Rick Santorum has recommended that President Obama declare his home state a disaster area, and called for the National Guard to help distribute Bibles and promise rings to all the straights who have found themselves surrounded by impassable walls of gay.
For those of us lucky enough not to live in Illinois, it is clear that all we can do is pray.
- Civil Unions Start in Illinois (bilerico.com)
- Gay and Lesbian Civil Unions to Begin in Illinois This Morning (towleroad.com)
- Meet The First Couple In Illinois To Get Civil Unionized (queerty.com)