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Theist Wackiness

Jesus on Walmart Receipt: Pretty Damn Convincing.

I have always said that if appropriate evidence presents itself, I will change my mind about the existence of God.  Well… gentle readers, you should be the first to know:  I’ve seen the evidence, and I am no longer an atheist.  Jesus has proven himself to me beyond any reasonable doubt.  He put his face on a Walmart receipt.

No.  Really!  He put his face on a Walmart receipt.  God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, chose Gentry Lee Sutherland and her fiancée, Jacob Simmons, as the agents of change for my life.  Previously just a couple of nobodies from Nowhere, South Carolina, they’re now missionaries for Christ all over the internet.

The thing that really shook me was something Gentry said:

“People are going to believe what they want to believe… There’s tons of people who will say, ‘Oh, we’re in the Bible Belt,’ but here’s my question to the doubters, who else has the power to put their face on a check-out receipt but Jesus?”

Well… yeah.  How’s that for a kick in the teeth?  She’s right.  If an image appears on something it shouldn’t ordinarily be on, it must mean that thing exists, and is a god.

Unfortunately, this is causing some problems for me.  You see, I spent the last week on vacation at the beach, and I had a lot of time to sit and look at clouds.  And you wouldn’t believe the number of things I saw in clouds.  So now I believe in all of them, too:

Michael Jackson:

Apollo.  I think…

A giant bunny rabbit:

Incidentally, just a few moments before I started writing this entry, I saw another picture that convinced me there’s a giant pizza dough god spinning himself on mountains:

So… I’ve got a lot of sorting out to do.  I will probably not find much time to write anymore, since the hundreds of gods I now believe in probably all want some sort of tribute and worship from me, and it’s going to take a long time to figure it all out.

And while I’m on the subject of gods and worship and all that, thank Jesus he’s got his priorities straight!  He took time out from his busy schedule (mostly taken up with not helping any of the millions of starving children in Africa) to send a little photo of himself to a couple of country bumpkins from South Carolina.  If he hadn’t done that, then… um…

Well… something bad would have happened, for sure.

At the very least, I probably would have continued writing atheist propaganda, and become the most famous atheist blogger in the world.  And everyone would have converted to atheism.  And then Hitler would have risen from his grave, renounced his Catholicism, and become an atheist.  And taken over the world.  With Sadaam Hussein as his henchman.  And also Satan.

And also, monkeys might fly out of my butt.


11 thoughts on “Jesus on Walmart Receipt: Pretty Damn Convincing.

  1. I think it looks more like Charles Manson…and I’m pretty sure he’s real!

    Posted by Greg Neal | July 23, 2011, 11:50 am
  2. Proof that walmart is obviously a godly enterprise eh? lol

    Posted by Zombie | July 23, 2011, 12:21 pm
  3. Will the receipt still be valid if they want to return whatever it was they bought? And if so, who gets to keep it? I thank Jesus for giving us such worthwhile things to think about.

    Posted by Dean Forsyth | July 23, 2011, 4:00 pm
  4. Gorgeous article, Mr (Mrs, Ms?) Life-Without-a-Net.

    I have long been convinced of the very limited effectiveness of attempts to use reason or empirical evidence to counter notions that are inherently silly.

    Humour would seem to be a far more appropriate and powerful tool.

    I suspect that the efforts of such as, for instance, the Monty Python team, Penn and Teller, Tim Minchin are much more likely to dispell superstitious beliefs than rants by, say, Richard Dawkins.

    But enough of this, I have to get back to sacrificing assorted animals to ensure my well-being and entry to paradise.

    Posted by Peter G Kinnon | July 23, 2011, 8:19 pm
  5. you have captured really lovely photos of creation

    Posted by miriam | July 29, 2011, 3:49 am
  6. Im not a run of the mill christian, but a believer in the restored gospels of jesus christ. Obviously, a Wal-Mart reciept isnt a call from on high to believe in christ and the father. If you werent an atheist, then you might see this for what its worth. Two country bumpkins from the fourth or fifth most whiskey tango state in the union got a f’d up reciept, and tried to make a buck off it. Now I certainly dont agree with these people parading around the interweb trying to preach bullcrap to other idiots, but I also dont approve of a sourpuss putting up pictures of clouds and (sarcastically) claiming proof of God. Really, in the end, ya’ll are in the same boat. You guys are using whatever platform you have to push your pointless agendas. Believe in God or dont. At least try to not look like an asshole while your doing it.

    Posted by charles | January 31, 2013, 5:03 am
  7. Whats the point of keeping a blog like this if your going to write articles that prey on the under-educated? It’s the educated folk you need to pay attention to. I mean, its like taking taking a bible from a Hilton. Too easy right? Take a little extra time, and focus your skills on bigger prizes. By the way, until 1964, (when you-know-who got elected) most christians thought Catholics were more evil thn your run of the mill atheist. You know why? Cuz they are. Haha..dont try to bring hitlers religion in on this, because the truth is, no God would allow a man like adolph to promote and claim His true churchas his own. So it must be a ruse, no? Plus, we can all agree hitler is rotting in hell, right? Or can we…

    Posted by charles | January 31, 2013, 5:21 am
  8. It is miraculous! I thought Jesus was found in prison, not Walmart!

    Posted by sharon | January 31, 2013, 12:07 pm
  9. This writer is an jackass.

    Posted by Go away | January 31, 2013, 1:03 pm
  10. someone please ban all the idiots. it looks like abe lincoln to me

    Posted by ed | January 31, 2013, 3:02 pm
  11. So what the Hell is that supposed to mean? People continue to base their belief from the false depiction of Jesus, no one knows what he looked like. If someone wants to find truth in our existence start with Genesis 3:1 where we are introduced to a talking serpent(snake), it gets crazier when God(name?) spots fourteen year old Mary, wants her to be his baby’s mama, but finds old man Joseph to raise his son and doesn’t even offer to pay child support. The true god i know is time, with Time all things happen.

    Posted by Randy | January 31, 2013, 5:57 pm

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