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Politics, Religion

Rick Santorum vs. Jesus in Frothy Death Match 2012!

As the race for the Theocratic… err… Republican presidential nomination enters its final legs, we are down to two and a half candidates for the United States of Jesus…. err… America.  Even as the devout Catholic Newt Gingrich returns home to Peachtree City (he’s quite the fan of “Peaches,” I am told.  So long as they don’t have cancer), he is being encouraged by Republicans to please quietly drop out of the race.  (LINK)  While it’s possible that his moon base scheme might (forgive me) rocket him to a come from behind victory (Wait… isn’t that Rick Santorum’s area?), it appears that the real race is between devout non-Christian Mitt Romney, whose magical underwear renders him immune to accusations of political pandering, and Rick Santorum, whose frothy mix of misogyny and homophobia has Conservative Evangelicals foaming at the mouth.

If it is indeed down to the Christian and the Non-Christian, we can only assume that Santorum is the man for America.  He is, after all, the only viable candidate left who espouses good old fashioned Right Wing Theology.  He’s a Bible Thumper in the style of Elmer Gantry.  A real American hero.

Even so, it would probably be a good thing to repress our mounting excitement over a Santorum-filled White House, (A frothy political eclair?) at least until we do some background checking to make sure our man can stand against The Man.  (Not that Man!  You’re thinking of a Ron Paul White House…)  I mean The Man among Men.  The King of Kings.  Jesus among Jesus.

I’ve taken the liberty (while I still can) to do your research for you.  Here is a handy comparison of Jesus to Rick Santorum.  (Please note that in the classic Protestant Tradition, I am assuming that Jesus is eternal, and the same as Yahweh, and that everything in the Bible is his inspired and completely true word.  Shame on you if you disagree!)

  • Jesus:  Not a big fan of homosexuals.  Stone em.  They’re abominations.
  • Santorum:  “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. … That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.” (AP interview, April 7, 2003)

So… We’re good on the “hating gay people” thing.  Santorum and the Bible line up perfectly.

  • Jesus: Never mentions contraception.  (Did you know that?  There’s nothing in the Bible about contraception at all.  Not one thing.)
  • Santorum:  “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country…. Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” (Speaking withCaffeinatedThoughts.com, Oct. 18, 2011)

This one could be problematic.  True Christians who have read their Bible cover to cover know that contraception isn’t mentioned once.  They also know that God himself was known to make an uppity woman infertile from time to time.  (LINK)  So Santorum is way out of line on this one.

  • Jesus:  Never mentions abortion.  However, while in his Yahweh form a few years back, he ordered his chosen people to perform them on thousands of women.  (LINK)  Without question, God is in favor of abortion in cases of “When He Feels Like It.”
  • Santorum: “This was tried once before in America, when the liberty and happiness rights of the slaveholder were put over the life and liberty rights of the slave. But unlike abortion today, in most states even the slaveholder did not have unlimited right to kill his slave,” (LINK)

Sadly, Santorum is out of touch with the Most Holy One again.  His opposition to abortion is clear, both in his rhetoric and his voting record.  There is hope for him, though.  If only someone will show him in the Holy Word of God that he’s wrong about when life begins…

  • Jesus: Life begins when we take our first breath.  (LINK)(LINK)(LINK)
  • Santorum:  “The question is — and this is what Barack Obama didn’t want to answer — is that human life a person under the Constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that person — human life is not a person, then — I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘We’re going to decide who are people and who are not people.'” (CNS News interview, Jan. 19, 2011)

Someone should also tell him that the Bible has guidelines on miscarriages, and they give us some keen insight into whether or not a fetus is a person.  Exodus 21 is quite clear on the matter:  If a man hits a pregnant woman, and she loses the fetus, the man has to pay a fine.  If he kills the woman, he is put to death.  There it is in black and white.  Fetuses are not the same thing as people.

  • Jesus:  Sell all that you have.  Give to the poor.  Become poor yourself as a sign of your devotion to God. (LINK)
  • Santorum:  Not doing so well on this front.  Out of all the remaining presidential candidates, Santorum has given the least to charity.  (1.8% of his income.)  The other remaining Christian candidate — Barack Obama — has given over 14% of his.  (LINK)

Sadly, Saint Santorum has some boning up to do before he’s ready to piggy back Jesus all the way to the White House.  Out of the two remaining Christian candidates — Obama and Santorum, only one seems to have read the Bible, or at the least, to have taken its words to heart.  We have to work on the homophobia thing with Obama, but perhaps growing up black in America made him soft on discrimination.  In any case, I hope this little comparison has made the choice for president in 2012 much easier for devout Christians everywhere.

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Discussion

2 thoughts on “Rick Santorum vs. Jesus in Frothy Death Match 2012!

  1. Thanks for setting us straight and for all the links. You are the man!

    Posted by Interested | February 28, 2012, 1:29 pm
  2. Oh please. Lincoln never had the intention of freeing the slaves when he took office. He didn’t think the president had the right to do such a thing. Also he had no intention that blacks and whites should or could live together as equal. When he put out the emancipation proclamation his firm decision was to export all the freed slaves out of the country. That proved to be too difficult to accomplish. The man was no saint.

    Posted by Watcher | March 24, 2012, 2:46 pm

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